Friday, June 28, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
FACE to FACE
Today was the kind of day……. Well, the kind of day that makes one think. About life, who He is, who I am, what life is about, how I have gotten to this place I find myself, the best of times and the worst of times. One might say “a day of days” or “the best of times, I say I say it was the worst of times”.
Today I stood face to face and toe to toe with, if it’s even fair to say, the two men who have most negatively affected my life to this point. We all have people, well, I assume we all have people in our lives where we look back and think why did their life have to intersect with mine. One of the men today was that type of person in the worst kind of way for me. The kind that nobody should ever have to deal with and yet most if not all of us do to some extent.
At the end of it all, at the end of today, what do I do with all of it now? How do I as a “man” (if indeed I am) deal with, handle and/or overcome this place and time? This situation that for hours today felt helpless, void of life and not worth continuing. This reminder from the past of things which are lost, stolen and unrecoverable from which I realize now that I at least in part have continued to let suck the Life from my “life”. How do I find that which is worth all when all seems worthless?
I truly ask for I do not know. I fear in some ways I may be beyond recovery of myself and yet I can feel that which has always driven me buried inside wanting to rise from the ashes. How do I become who and what I was created to be? Can I somehow get back those years that the locust has destroyed or at least if nothing else, somehow cease the destruction and save what little of a future may still be in store?
I realize I sound like a complete pessimist right now, I ask for your patience if you have made it this far. You see today I faced not only the two men I spoke of earlier, but my own personal demons, if you will. I suppose I should explain myself now as it may help you follow and I clarify in my own head as I write.
In the middle of a brief conversation one of these man realized who the other was. I can not say for sure if the 2nd man had any idea of what had taken place. He had stood before a man who had at one time full intention of killing him if the chance presented itself and walked away unchanged, unharmed and likely oblivious. That did not take place today but instead he walked away furious, outraged, irate and only cried. You see I would be on my way to prison by now if he had been murdered because I was the other man in this chance meeting. The man who stood before me is the man who after four and a half years of marriage my x wife chose to move in and live with instead of me.
Some, even recently have called me one of the strongest men they know. A couple of times in the last week I have heard this even. Yet today after all these years, I couldn’t do much more than cry and be angry. Angry for where I am and who I am and now I see this face to put the blame on once again. And yet…. Truth be told, is there anyone to blame but myself?! If had had been the man that God intended me to be would it have changed anything?
I will never know what could have been. The problem, just maybe, is that I have in some way been trying to figure out what might have been and how to “fix” it. Yet it is not fixable. It is past, done, gone, over and not recoverable. So how do I, now, after all this time recover what’s left of me and live for what can be?
OK, now I admit more to the few that might actually be reading this. I know the answer and I have been to frustrated, mad, bitter and also confused to just let go and move on with what I know to be true. What I know is true is that Jesus dies for it all. All the crap that I’ve been thru He died so I can still live life to the fullest. So why do I choose or why have I been choosing not to live life to the fullest you ask. You see I don’t feel that I have made the decision not too and yet I know my bitterness holds me back from what “could” be.
I have this habit of putting my expectations on God. How fair is that right…? I in my severe lack of knowledge and understanding am putting what I “think” should be as an expectation on The One who created me. He who created me for so much more and yet here I sit.
I have had but one hope left for a long time now it seems. A simple desire to go home. To that which I have not seen and yet long for. Yet tonight after all the thoughts that have raced thru my mind over the last 12 hours I feel maybe something more. I feel as though a new hope may be rising again. I know that doubt is the enemy of this hope as I feel it rise as well.
To anyone who has read this far I thank you and ask you to pray that hope would win in my heart and mind. That I would not allow doubt and bitterness to rise once again. Realizing that I have an uphill battle waiting for me yet knowing I have no choice but to push forward and to climb with all that is left in me and more.
Father help me to finish strong the race You have set before me. You have always been there for me even when I wished you would let me fall you remain and will continue to. Forgive me and give me that which I need to be who you would have me be.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
So this thought is rolling thru my head tonight. A simple thought and yet, at the same time, it is a question I am unable to really answer well. Other than the simple "text book/Sunday school" answer.
I have a friend that I have known since about the 6th grade. He has prior memories of me but I do not of him. This friend, in a way, gave up several years of his life for me. Obviously not literally but he allowed me, being an obnoxious jr higher and about 5 years younger, to tag along just about everywhere with him. We went to church, snowboarding and put the hurt on just about every all-you-can-eat buffet in Spokane on a regular basis. Especially JB's for the all-you-can-eat Sunday bar they used to have. If it were not for this person in my life I am fairly certain I would not be who I am now, and would very possibly be "singing in the quire of the undead" by now. (Sorry for the constant barrage of movie quotes :-)) I would do anything within my power for that man.
Why is it then that I struggle daily doing the things that would please the one who literally gave up everything for me? The one who suffered and died to cover the blood penalty owed for my sin.
One might think it a simple thing at first. However, the simple facts are that we have an enemy. An enemy who is a wise and sneaky pest that desires our ultimate destruction. That and we are born with this sin nature. This selfishness within that desires more to make sure "I" am taken care of and get what "I" want more than to please my savior.
Our world tells us to compromise. That there must be middle ground where "we can all just get along". This is not what our Lord has called us to. He has called us to be set apart for His glory. To be in this world as a light that all may see and know He is God. There is no middle ground there can be no compromise. There is one way to God, thru Jesus Christ the risen and only Son of He who created us from the dust of the earth and formed us in the womb or our mothers. May we daily seek Him and strive to make our Father proud to call us sons and daughters. That we may make known and lift high the name of Christ and His kingdom.
oh to hear those words upon our arrival home when we finally get there... "well done good and faithful servant". For this I am not worthy but oh that I may be counted among the faithful.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I walk outside and find it hard to breath, often coughing as the cold dry air hits my lungs.
I warm up my truck for 30 minutes then drive home and the hood is still frosted over, it's -35 degrees Fahrenheit tonight.
Welcome to Fairbanks Alaska in the winter.
I am constantly reassured that this is not normal. Usual the really cold weather doesn't come until Jan or Feb. Great!!!, I think to myself, that's encouraging. It's gonna get even colder. The locals say this isn't bad. They don't like it and ya never get used to it. However, there are plenty who love it here. All I can figure is the summers must really be amazing, in spite of the need for a head net. A head net you ask.... yes, a head net. Not for sanitary reasons in the kitchen, so the no-see-ems and mosquito's don't eat you alive.
I got myself a warm coat and pants to wear over my work clothes for the walk from the back of the store where we park. It's only a couple hundred yards but your pants will almost freeze solid in the time it takes to walk that far. Why, you ask, do we have to park so far away. That's where the plug ins are. Yes, plugs ins for your vehicle. There are three heaters added to my truck. One for the engine, transmission and battery. All to make sure the truck starts when you turn the key. Today, it was barely enough!
It is beautiful here and I found a great little church. It's about 200 people I think including children. Which, believe it or not, is about 1/3 of the congregation. Not teenagers down, youngsters! Like under 10. I think the avg family has at least 4. It's a little crazy but kinda fun too. There are some great folks and lots of knowledge as well. I really appreciate being able to listen to men who have obviously done there homework. Since I'm not a great researcher/studier, it is a great way for me to learn.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I've been "accused" (I use that term for lack of a better one)of wearing my emotions on my sleeve and tonight I am definitely emotional. The last year for me has been an emotional roller coaster of epic proportions. This move is only adding to it all.
It took me way to long in life to really understand the true value of friends and even more so family. Now I lay here the night before another move that will again take me away from everything I have ever known and all I care about. I do well to hide it most of the time. However, the truth is... I'm tired of it. I do believe that the Lord has good plans for me and I trust Him or I wouldn't be going. At some point it would be nice to stay somewhere, build solid friendships and Lord willing a family of my own.
To this point I have done well but it has taken much effort to not ball like a baby. Now writing, I'm on the verge.
So what is the heart of the matter anyway. It is the heart. It is not about the move, the friends, the job or even family. It is about my heart and the simple fact that God wants all of it. He knows what is best for me. That being that which will draw me closer to Him. The creator of the Universe knows me fully and wants to be known by me and to be loved by me.
Lord help me see this move with your eyes. With an attitude of surrender and a desire to seek you in it. To learn what you would have me learn, lead where you would have me lead and follow where you would have me follow.
Grant me Your peace that passes all understanding, and/or lack there of, and make me fully dependent upon You and You alone. That my heart, soul, strength and mind would be fully surrendered to You.