A Blessing from the Lord

It has been hard for me to not seek a "blessing from the Lord". I want to honor the Lord and to be blessed by Him. Several times in scripture a wife is called a blessing from the Lord and blessed is the man who's quiver is full (of children). These are things I long for. I waiver on the kids thing but I long to share life with someone. Someone to enjoy the good and fight through the bad with.

Sometimes I even feel like I "deserve" someone special. Especially when I see how some men treat their wives. It does not take long however to be reminded of my failures, my addiction and the simple fact that I deserve nothing more than an eternity in hell. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" and the "wages of sin is death". We also know "there is only one who is good". The rest of us are blessed with life and the gift of Christ and Him crucified. Christ paid the price for my sin and I am here, sad, nearly depressed because I lost someone I love. All the while God has given me so much more than I deserve. Is it wrong for me to want to be married and maybe have children? Am I wrong in thinking that someday I may find someone who will help me fight thru my struggles and who will let me fight for and with them thru theirs as well? I have several times thought I was being blessed by God in this way only to have it ripped away for one reason or another. Yet, even with the loss I am supposed to just be ok and smile and move on with life. The truth is my heart aches. I wake up to tears, spend hours at work fighting back the pain and cry myself to sleep. The pain of loss I have felt before and it never gets easier. I lost one of the best friends I have ever had and I have nearly three years of memories that now haunt every waking hour of my life.

It is so hard to focus on the Lord in my pain and yet He is the only one who can bring me thru to the other side. He is the one who has and will always be there when I need a shoulder or an ear. He is the one who sent His only begotten Son to die on a cross for my sin. Only His peace passes all understanding and surrounds me when I am at my lowest. I question and sometimes doubt the love of the Lord and His plan but may I never again profane the name of the Lord my God. He has blessed me more than I deserve already and I have no right to ask Him for more. My hope is in his plan for me, that He will bring me thru to the day of completion where there will be no more pain or tears and I will never again sin against Him and His love for me. Lord use me for Your glory. Thru my weakness and failures be glorified.