FACE to FACE
Today was the kind of day……. Well, the kind of day that makes one think. About life, who He is, who I am, what life is about, how I have gotten to this place I find myself, the best of times and the worst of times. One might say “a day of days” or “the best of times, I say I say it was the worst of times”.
Today I stood face to face and toe to toe with, if it’s even fair to say, the two men who have most negatively affected my life to this point. We all have people, well, I assume we all have people in our lives where we look back and think why did their life have to intersect with mine. One of the men today was that type of person in the worst kind of way for me. The kind that nobody should ever have to deal with and yet most if not all of us do to some extent.
At the end of it all, at the end of today, what do I do with all of it now? How do I as a “man” (if indeed I am) deal with, handle and/or overcome this place and time? This situation that for hours today felt helpless, void of life and not worth continuing. This reminder from the past of things which are lost, stolen and unrecoverable from which I realize now that I at least in part have continued to let suck the Life from my “life”. How do I find that which is worth all when all seems worthless?
I truly ask for I do not know. I fear in some ways I may be beyond recovery of myself and yet I can feel that which has always driven me buried inside wanting to rise from the ashes. How do I become who and what I was created to be? Can I somehow get back those years that the locust has destroyed or at least if nothing else, somehow cease the destruction and save what little of a future may still be in store?
I realize I sound like a complete pessimist right now, I ask for your patience if you have made it this far. You see today I faced not only the two men I spoke of earlier, but my own personal demons, if you will. I suppose I should explain myself now as it may help you follow and I clarify in my own head as I write.
In the middle of a brief conversation one of these man realized who the other was. I can not say for sure if the 2nd man had any idea of what had taken place. He had stood before a man who had at one time full intention of killing him if the chance presented itself and walked away unchanged, unharmed and likely oblivious. That did not take place today but instead he walked away furious, outraged, irate and only cried. You see I would be on my way to prison by now if he had been murdered because I was the other man in this chance meeting. The man who stood before me is the man who after four and a half years of marriage my x wife chose to move in and live with instead of me.
Some, even recently have called me one of the strongest men they know. A couple of times in the last week I have heard this even. Yet today after all these years, I couldn’t do much more than cry and be angry. Angry for where I am and who I am and now I see this face to put the blame on once again. And yet…. Truth be told, is there anyone to blame but myself?! If had had been the man that God intended me to be would it have changed anything?
I will never know what could have been. The problem, just maybe, is that I have in some way been trying to figure out what might have been and how to “fix” it. Yet it is not fixable. It is past, done, gone, over and not recoverable. So how do I, now, after all this time recover what’s left of me and live for what can be?
OK, now I admit more to the few that might actually be reading this. I know the answer and I have been to frustrated, mad, bitter and also confused to just let go and move on with what I know to be true. What I know is true is that Jesus dies for it all. All the crap that I’ve been thru He died so I can still live life to the fullest. So why do I choose or why have I been choosing not to live life to the fullest you ask. You see I don’t feel that I have made the decision not too and yet I know my bitterness holds me back from what “could” be.
I have this habit of putting my expectations on God. How fair is that right…? I in my severe lack of knowledge and understanding am putting what I “think” should be as an expectation on The One who created me. He who created me for so much more and yet here I sit.
I have had but one hope left for a long time now it seems. A simple desire to go home. To that which I have not seen and yet long for. Yet tonight after all the thoughts that have raced thru my mind over the last 12 hours I feel maybe something more. I feel as though a new hope may be rising again. I know that doubt is the enemy of this hope as I feel it rise as well.
To anyone who has read this far I thank you and ask you to pray that hope would win in my heart and mind. That I would not allow doubt and bitterness to rise once again. Realizing that I have an uphill battle waiting for me yet knowing I have no choice but to push forward and to climb with all that is left in me and more.
Father help me to finish strong the race You have set before me. You have always been there for me even when I wished you would let me fall you remain and will continue to. Forgive me and give me that which I need to be who you would have me be.
