Face to Face

FACE to FACE

Today was the kind of day……. Well, the kind of day that makes one think. About life, who He is, who I am, what life is about, how I have gotten to this place I find myself, the best of times and the worst of times. One might say “a day of days” or “the best of times, I say I say it was the worst of times”.

Today I stood face to face and toe to toe with, if it’s even fair to say, the two men who have most negatively affected my life to this point. We all have people, well, I assume we all have people in our lives where we look back and think why did their life have to intersect with mine. One of the men today was that type of person in the worst kind of way for me. The kind that nobody should ever have to deal with and yet most if not all of us do to some extent.

At the end of it all, at the end of today, what do I do with all of it now? How do I as a “man” (if indeed I am) deal with, handle and/or overcome this place and time? This situation that for hours today felt helpless, void of life and not worth continuing. This reminder from the past of things which are lost, stolen and unrecoverable from which I realize now that I at least in part have continued to let suck the Life from my “life”. How do I find that which is worth all when all seems worthless?

I truly ask for I do not know. I fear in some ways I may be beyond recovery of myself and yet I can feel that which has always driven me buried inside wanting to rise from the ashes. How do I become who and what I was created to be? Can I somehow get back those years that the locust has destroyed or at least if nothing else, somehow cease the destruction and save what little of a future may still be in store?

I realize I sound like a complete pessimist right now, I ask for your patience if you have made it this far. You see today I faced not only the two men I spoke of earlier, but my own personal demons, if you will. I suppose I should explain myself now as it may help you follow and I clarify in my own head as I write.

In the middle of a brief conversation one of these man realized who the other was. I can not say for sure if the 2^nd man had any idea of what had taken place. He had stood before a man who had at one time full intention of killing him if the chance presented itself and walked away unchanged, unharmed and likely oblivious. That did not take place today but instead he walked away furious, outraged, irate and only cried. You see I would be on my way to prison by now if he had been murdered because I was the other man in this chance meeting. The man who stood before me is the man who after four and a half years of marriage my x wife chose to move in and live with instead of me.

Some, even recently have called me one of the strongest men they know. A couple of times in the last week I have heard this even. Yet today after all these years, I couldn’t do much more than cry and be angry. Angry for where I am and who I am and now I see this face to put the blame on once again. And yet…. Truth be told, is there anyone to blame but myself?! If had had been the man that God intended me to be would it have changed anything?

I will never know what could have been. The problem, just maybe, is that I have in some way been trying to figure out what might have been and how to “fix” it. Yet it is not fixable. It is past, done, gone, over and not recoverable. So how do I, now, after all this time recover what’s left of me and live for what can be?

OK, now I admit more to the few that might actually be reading this. I know the answer and I have been to frustrated, mad, bitter and also confused to just let go and move on with what I know to be true. What I know is true is that Jesus dies for it all. All the crap that I’ve been thru He died so I can still live life to the fullest. So why do I choose or why have I been choosing not to live life to the fullest you ask. You see I don’t feel that I have made the decision not too and yet I know my bitterness holds me back from what “could” be.

I have this habit of putting my expectations on God. How fair is that right…? I in my severe lack of knowledge and understanding am putting what I “think” should be as an expectation on The One who created me. He who created me for so much more and yet here I sit.

I have had but one hope left for a long time now it seems. A simple desire to go home. To that which I have not seen and yet long for. Yet tonight after all the thoughts that have raced thru my mind over the last 12 hours I feel maybe something more. I feel as though a new hope may be rising again. I know that doubt is the enemy of this hope as I feel it rise as well.

To anyone who has read this far I thank you and ask you to pray that hope would win in my heart and mind. That I would not allow doubt and bitterness to rise once again. Realizing that I have an uphill battle waiting for me yet knowing I have no choice but to push forward and to climb with all that is left in me and more.

Father help me to finish strong the race You have set before me. You have always been there for me even when I wished you would let me fall you remain and will continue to. Forgive me and give me that which I need to be who you would have me be.

Thinking too much

So this thought is rolling thru my head tonight. A simple thought and yet, at the same time, it is a question I am unable to really answer well. Other than the simple "text book/Sunday school" answer.

I have a friend that I have known since about the 6th grade. He has prior memories of me but I do not of him. This friend, in a way, gave up several years of his life for me. Obviously not literally but he allowed me, being an obnoxious jr higher and about 5 years younger, to tag along just about everywhere with him. We went to church, snowboarding and put the hurt on just about every all-you-can-eat buffet in Spokane on a regular basis. Especially JB's for the all-you-can-eat Sunday bar they used to have. If it were not for this person in my life I am fairly certain I would not be who I am now, and would very possibly be "singing in the quire of the undead" by now. (Sorry for the constant barrage of movie quotes :-)) I would do anything within my power for that man.

Why is it then that I struggle daily doing the things that would please the one who literally gave up everything for me? The one who suffered and died to cover the blood penalty owed for my sin.

One might think it a simple thing at first. However, the simple facts are that we have an enemy. An enemy who is a wise and sneaky pest that desires our ultimate destruction. That and we are born with this sin nature. This selfishness within that desires more to make sure "I" am taken care of and get what "I" want more than to please my savior.

Our world tells us to compromise. That there must be middle ground where "we can all just get along". This is not what our Lord has called us to. He has called us to be set apart for His glory. To be in this world as a light that all may see and know He is God. There is no middle ground there can be no compromise. There is one way to God, thru Jesus Christ the risen and only Son of He who created us from the dust of the earth and formed us in the womb or our mothers. May we daily seek Him and strive to make our Father proud to call us sons and daughters. That we may make known and lift high the name of Christ and His kingdom.

oh to hear those words upon our arrival home when we finally get there... "well done good and faithful servant". For this I am not worthy but oh that I may be counted among the faithful.

baby it's cold outside

I wake up and it's dark but I still have to check the time as it doesn't start getting light til about 945am.

I walk outside and find it hard to breath, often coughing as the cold dry air hits my lungs.

I warm up my truck for 30 minutes then drive home and the hood is still frosted over, it's -35 degrees Fahrenheit tonight.

Welcome to Fairbanks Alaska in the winter.

I am constantly reassured that this is not normal. Usual the really cold weather doesn't come until Jan or Feb. Great!!!, I think to myself, that's encouraging. It's gonna get even colder. The locals say this isn't bad. They don't like it and ya never get used to it. However, there are plenty who love it here. All I can figure is the summers must really be amazing, in spite of the need for a head net. A head net you ask.... yes, a head net. Not for sanitary reasons in the kitchen, so the no-see-ems and mosquito's don't eat you alive.

I got myself a warm coat and pants to wear over my work clothes for the walk from the back of the store where we park. It's only a couple hundred yards but your pants will almost freeze solid in the time it takes to walk that far. Why, you ask, do we have to park so far away. That's where the plug ins are. Yes, plugs ins for your vehicle. There are three heaters added to my truck. One for the engine, transmission and battery. All to make sure the truck starts when you turn the key. Today, it was barely enough!

It is beautiful here and I found a great little church. It's about 200 people I think including children. Which, believe it or not, is about 1/3 of the congregation. Not teenagers down, youngsters! Like under 10. I think the avg family has at least 4. It's a little crazy but kinda fun too. There are some great folks and lots of knowledge as well. I really appreciate being able to listen to men who have obviously done there homework. Since I'm not a great researcher/studier, it is a great way for me to learn.

the "HEART" of the matter....

I've been "accused" (I use that term for lack of a better one)of wearing my emotions on my sleeve and tonight I am definitely emotional. The last year for me has been an emotional roller coaster of epic proportions. This move is only adding to it all.

It took me way to long in life to really understand the true value of friends and even more so family. Now I lay here the night before another move that will again take me away from everything I have ever known and all I care about. I do well to hide it most of the time. However, the truth is... I'm tired of it. I do believe that the Lord has good plans for me and I trust Him or I wouldn't be going. At some point it would be nice to stay somewhere, build solid friendships and Lord willing a family of my own.

To this point I have done well but it has taken much effort to not ball like a baby. Now writing, I'm on the verge.

So what is the heart of the matter anyway. It is the heart. It is not about the move, the friends, the job or even family. It is about my heart and the simple fact that God wants all of it. He knows what is best for me. That being that which will draw me closer to Him. The creator of the Universe knows me fully and wants to be known by me and to be loved by me.

Lord help me see this move with your eyes. With an attitude of surrender and a desire to seek you in it. To learn what you would have me learn, lead where you would have me lead and follow where you would have me follow.

Grant me Your peace that passes all understanding, and/or lack there of, and make me fully dependent upon You and You alone. That my heart, soul, strength and mind would be fully surrendered to You.

notes from the drive...

I just got back from my trip to Colorado Springs. It was a beautiful drive and I heard some great stuff on the radio. Here are some notes of what stood out to me.

For starters, I am not a Browns fan but they did woop up on the Patriots yesterday. The Raiders and Chiefs played yesterday, and the game mattered. They are the top two teams in the division for the first time in years!!! Wish I could have watched that one.

I heard a sermon on the way over from a pastor in Seattle. He was talking about our lists. We have lists of what we want to do and accomplish as well as the perfect mate, who we want to marry. He used Boaz as an example for this and it was pretty interesting. What must Boaz's list have looked like. Poor homely looking looking widow standing in the welfare line. I don't think that is what he was looking for. He noticed her heart, that it was for her family and for God. She was a woman of integrity and who was willing to do what was necessary to survive and take care of her family. Boaz accepted who God put in front of Him and loved her with everything he was and had.

The one I heard this morning on the home stretch was good also. He was talking about Paul and the "thorn in his flesh". Paul said it was given to him so that he would not become conceited. God is more concerned with our growth and ability to serve Him than our happiness. He wants us to become who He has created us to be. It is not that He doesn't want us to be happy but it is not His first concern. How long did He let the Israelite's wonder in the desert? More importantly, why? Why, because He wanted their obedience, their trust and their love. It took so long because they were stubborn, just like us :-\

Lord take me thru what you must to make me who you want me to be. Lord, let me be a FAST learner :-)

how must God feel.....

God created us in His image. He loves us unconditionally to the point of sending His son to die on the cross for our sins.

How must God feel....

Most of us have felt loved in our lives. Love of a friend or spouse, the love of our parents or hopefully one at least. The love of our grandparents or nieces and nephews or a boy/girl friend. Most of us have felt love for another as well most likely one listed above.

How must God feel....

We all know that feeling when our heart aches to be near someone. When you long to hear their voice, see the smile on their face and even stare into those beautiful eyes. To play a game of cards, toss a frisbee or watch a sunset together.

How must God feel....




Most of us at one time or another have felt like we would do anything for someone. We'd get a haircut, shave or even move across the country maybe even to the other side of the world for that certain someone. Like you'd walk 500 miles just to see them or swim an ocean just to give them a hug. We'll go on a diet or start exercising more just to try and be who they want.

How must God feel....

What would you do? How would you feel? If the one who was fully meant to be with you and for you set you aside for something else. The one you know to be your soul-mate left you for greener grass.

How must God feel....

We are that one. Created by God to be with Him. Without question the one He longs to be with. He wants to hear your voice and for you to hear His. Do you listen? Do you hear? He loves us more than we are capable of understanding and what.... we offer Him a little time each morning and Sunday before the games start?

How would you feel? Not that any of us is even close to understanding His love or perspective, but ponder it with me if you will.

How must God feel to be rejected by those He created and loves? Whom He has known from before time and set aside His love for each of us. His patience never ending His sadness...is it ever growing? Caused by our continued rebellion, discarding Him like just another thing to do? Or someone that we know will be there, IF we need Him?

How must God feel....



Oh that we would know His love lavished upon us daily. If we knew just a bit of how He loves us, would we change? Would we step out and begin letting Him transform us to who He would have us be? He does love us, he loves you. Do you trust Him? Will you trust Him? Will you walk and talk with Him on the good days and bad? Will you let Him be your all so that He can show you His all for you?

Lord that I would be your servant, child, target of affection and recipient of your grace and mercy. Show me more of you and draw me near Lord God change me from the inside that I may glorify your name. That the Name of Jesus the Christ would be my constant companion and visible in glory to those around me and each of us.

life in general- continued from "life as I've seen it"

Added Saturday 10-30-2010

I remember learning to snow ski in a park with rental gear. My mom, older bro and sis were all there and it was fun. We went to MT Spokane for our first day on a mtn. I think my brother and I ditched out on lessons. They were just too slow and we were good. Good enough anyway. I switched to snowboarding in jr high as I started going to the mtn with my friend Dave. To say that we went often, would be an understatement. We had season passes most years and put them to good use. So much that the lift operators all knew us. We were also fast enough that on some lifts they would time us coming down. Those were the day, right up until that fateful day. It was at golf course of all places when I destroyed my knee. The drop from the second tee box to the fairway is about 50 feet and flat at the bottom. You get the picture, and if not, try jumping from the 5th floor of the nearest building. No, not really I wouldn’t recommend that.

When it wasn’t ski season I was outside doing something. I shot hoops for hours and then learned to rock-climb. Or rather learned to use ropes and climb harder stuff safely. I was hooked immediately. I started climbing 5-6 days a week among my other hobbies. A typical day may have looked something like this. With an early start for weight training at 6am, finish class about 1130 then ride my mtn bike to the climbing area. Which also happened to be, a fun riding spot. Ditch the climbing gear ride to the top and fly back down. A round or two of that before I set a rope up and wait for Ken to arrive. We’d climb til our arms hurt and then part ways. At which point I would I would ride one of two directions. West to downtown if I had to work or there was a pool tourney or E to my dads house where the river and ski boated waited. If I went skiing I would normally end up playing pool after anyhow. So we’ll go that way. Work was 6-midnight or 2 am normally. Pool nights I was usually out til 3as they closed around 2 and we often went for food after. On some nights we would go bowling and on those nights and late work nights I’d be up til 430ish. Then back to school by 6. Saturdays, oh gosh, Saturdays were hard. About 3 a month I had to work long shifts. This meant starting at7am and going til close. This was anywhere from midnight to 4am again. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much, except in chemistry class.

Throw in golf, wrestling, football, shooting, hunting and all the other stuff I mentioned earlier and this was me. Rather what I did, all the time. I have in the last couple years eliminated several hobbies/activities and may be knocking a couple more off my list soon as well.

Enough of this randomness….